my spoken words

Words are so powerful.  They can build you up or break you down.  I have a natural God given ability to speak.  I love to talk, talk to people, strangers in the grocery store, or even stand in a room full of people and give a speech.  So of course talking to God is something I have always found to be rather easy.  I guess I've never felt like I have to be proper with God, He can handle my conversation.  And so last Friday I was on my way home from work and I was talking to God.  Out loud in the car.  I know the people at the light next to me must have thought I was crazy because I was rather animated in my speech.  But I was telling God how hard this was, how alone and betrayed I felt and how all of this just wasn't fair.  I wanted a healthy baby....why was that too much to ask.  Millions of women have them every year....why did I have to be the 1 in 3000??  I was pouring my heart out.  I told him that I was ashamed of how small my faith was....that it was so easy to give lip service to the issue of trust.  So easy to talk about having trust in Him when times are good.  Now that times were hard I wanted to be able to lean on Him, I know that He is drawing me closer to Him through all of this but I'm human and at the end of the day I still want a healthy baby.  Will I absolutely accept the path that God has for me even if that doesn't include a healthy baby?  I know I will...I will still love Him even if this baby dies.  Do I still pray for the miracle?....yes....I want my God to overcome this for me.  And I told Him that....I told Him that I needed Him to make this right but that it was "hard because I've never had to trust you to overcome death for me before."  And that is when God replied to all of my talking....he was so simple and quiet when He said "that's not true."

"That's not true."  How could I be so...so...I don't know...stupid?  Of course Christ has overcome death!  That's the basis of being a Christian!!  What was wrong with me?  I was walking around like the King of Kings was still in the grave.  He had overcome death, the only one to have ever done so and I was talking to Him in the grave.  I admitted my idiocy to God.  I mjst ahve said it a thousand times....I'm an idiot.  I AM an IDIOT.  I'm an idiot.  In all honesty I was secretly hoping for a miracle but walking around preparing for the worst just in case God didn't fix this.  My strategy was to hope for the best possible outcome while preparing my heart to bear unimaginable sorrow.  You can't prepare or train your heart to bear disappointment by meditating on the worst case scenario.  Now I concentrate on hope while I'm building up faith.